Shadow the Hedgehog: The Ultimate Parody
by Professor V
Summary: Neutral Story adaptation. Chapter 4 up. The Black Arms and the Eggman Empire are locked in a bitter dogfight over who gets to be main villain, and as usual, Shadow's stuck in the middle. Watch out for low-flying dragons.
1. Prologue

Just over a week ago, I took the plunge and actually rented _"Shadow the Hedgehog"_, the video game. I felt that I had to see for myself just how poor both fans and critics alike were claiming it to be. Hoo boy, they weren't kidding. I was never a Shadow fan, but this took the biscuit. Very clunky controls, dodgy camera, constant deaths by falling off the sides, messy and silly storylines and overall, completely the wrong theme for a Sonic game. The guns that they bigged up so much didn't even have a lock-on system, for crying out glaiven! The game was every bit as painful as I had expected it to be, from rental to returning.

But with it, ladies and gentlemen, came inspiration.

This, then, is my latest project - a satirical adaptation of the game's Neutral storyline. Why go Neutral? It was the only one I bothered to play from start to finish (and in only 3 hours or so, might I add). Some may find it hilarious, some may find it slanderous, some may find they can't understand half the jokes, but I know one thing - it's marginally preferable to Charmy's voice.

And now, the intro. Enjoy and it's good to be back in action!

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"SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG: THE ULTIMATE PARODY"  
Based on the game "_Shadow the Hedgehog_" by SEGA  
Adapted by Professor Reginald Fortesque Vengeance (Esquire)

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**PROLOGUE**

Westopolis - an all-American city with all-American people and an all-American rising crime rate. Just outside this bustling hive of humans stood a large hill with a single tree on top. As one of the only unpolluted areas around, it was mainly used for recreational activities, such as drug deals, a dog's toilet or making out on. Today, it was the thinking spot of a certain anthropomorphic hedgehog.

The hedgehog stood beside the tree, his arms folded to emphasise his badass attitude to the world. As if the black fur with blood red highlights, golden bracelets, permanent scowl and jet-powered shoes didn't do that enough. A stray newspaper blew against his leg ("Fire in the sky! Black Comet returns after 50 years! Parents worried sick!") as he lost himself in thought.

_Shadow the Hedgehog...why does that name haunt me? I mean, it's such a stupid name. 'Shadow the Hedgehog'. God, sounds like it's for some generic video game anti-hero...It's the only thing I can remember..._

The last few days had been a real rollercoaster for Shadow. First, he was freed from the lab of mad scientist and renowned ninny Dr Eggman, with little memory of his past. Then, he had to re-ally with Sonic the Hedgehog and his friends to stop the Doctor's renegade Metal Sonic conquering the Earth. Then, just as they were victorious and his memory seemed on the mend, he slipped on a banana peel dropped by Eggman and now, he can barely remember to put his shoes on in the morning.

_And that gruesome image..._

Shadow gave a brief shudder. The only clear memory he had was of a human girl with long blond hair and a blue dress. She was being chased down a corridor by a dozen armed soldiers and had just reached a dead-end. The guns were cocked; the girl cowered, fearing the worst...

But nothing happened.

The girl opened her eyes. Slowly getting back up, she found the soldiers frantically trying to fire their weapons, but only getting a series of hollow _clicks_ for their troubles.

"Hah!" laughed the girl, "You wasted all your bullets wrecking up the place! You guys aren't so tough _now_, are you?" She then proceeded to poke one of the men and danced about in front of them, singing, "The army guys are wieners! The army guys are wieners! The army gu..."

A semi-automatic suddenly flew into her face and knocked her cold to the ground.

"Good thinking, Johnston!" announced one of the soldiers, "The innocent little girl has been subdued! When we get back, there'll be a Medal of Honour with your name on it!"

"Sir! Thank you, sir!" barked Johnston proudly.

"**_MARIA!_**"

Shadow's sudden outburst snapped him out from his flashback. That and the pigeon currently having a heart attack against his feet. Compassionately booting it to one side, he buried his face in his hands and growled.

"Who am I? And why can't I remember anything? And who is this 'Maria'? Hey, was I wearing gloves when I went out?"

A loud rumbling interrupted Shadow's rhetorical question session. Looking up, he noticed thick clouds rapidly gathering over the city, all a sinister maroon. Suddenly, the wind began to pick up and the clouds were now swirling above the tall apartments and offices like a crimson tornado. Lightning bolts began sparking from the cyclone and a good thousand-plus aliens descended in an orgy of pyrotechnical hullabaloo. Unfortunately, these weren't the usual grey-skinned, big-headed, "take me to your leader" B-movie aliens with accompanying Theremin music. These were more the multiple-toothed, big-muscled, "get in mah belly" R-movie aliens with accompanying rap-metal music. Bony winged creatures swooped overhead and 'bombed' car windscreens, while the more muscular ones flattened them and threw them away after stealing the hubcaps. Shadow couldn't help grinning as he watched the smoke and screams rise into the air.

"Hmm, look how pathetic they are", he sneered and turned his back on the scene. "I don't have time for these humans...whatever they are..."

"Shadow..."

Shadow froze. He could swear he'd just heard someone speak. _Eh_, he thought, _probably a voice from another soul-wrenchingly tragic memory or something_. So, he kept walking.

"_Shadow?_"

There it was again. Like someone was calling for him. _Man, there's a lot of voices in my head for just one hedgehog_, he thought and starting walking once again.

"Hey, asshole! Are you _deaf _or something? **_Turn around!_**"

Shadow nearly jumped out his fur and spun around. The real speaker was a hologram, projected by a myopic purple starfish creature hovering in mid-air. It was an immensely tall figure, with three clawed fingers on each hand and who seemed to float instead of having legs. He was dressed in a thick ragged cloak and heavy medallions with sayings like "I Heart Black Arms" and "Unidentified Fly Object". A long pair of horns made his head look rather T-shaped and three eyes adorned his face, all glowing a malicious red.

_What a nice guy_, Shadow thought to himself.

"You took your time", grumbled the alien hologram and cleared his throat. "Now then", he went on in a more professional tone, "As you can see, the day of reckoning will soon be here. Find the seven Chaos Emeralds and bring them to me as promised." He awaited the hedgehog's obedient response.

"...huh?"

The alien's three eyes widened. "_'Huh'_? What do you mean _'huh'_?"

"What do you _think_ I mean, Pickaxe-Head?" Shadow snapped, "Who _are _you? And how do you know I'm Shadow (if that _is_ my name)? And what are you talking about?"

The mysterious being sighed heavily. "Listen, hedgehog. This game is short _enough_ without me telling you your whole meaning for existence this early on. Just get the Emeralds quickly, so you can give them to me, I can tell you all about your stupid little past, you can kick my scaly ass in a Super-form battle royale and then, we can all go home with a shred of dignity still in tact. _OK?_"

At that, the hologram faded and the starfish creature flew away in a shot. Shadow was just about to follow, when a series of explosions went off all around him for no readily apparent reason. Not one of them hit Shadow, though, or even knocked him to the ground. He couldn't remember how to fall down.

"Just what was that about?" he asked aloud and stared down at the city under siege. "If he says he knows the truth about who I am, then like it or not, I have to believe him. Sure, he looks _kinda_ like the Devil Incarnate and is probably just exploiting my amnesic state for his own diabolical purposes, but I'm not exactly getting anywhere standing by this...uh...big, wooden...thing. What's it called again? _Damn it_, I'm losing the point! He made an offer and now, the only way I'm going to get the secrets to my past is to get those _Chaos Emeralds_!"

Brimming with fresh confidence, Shadow bolted heroically down the hill and began skating his way towards Westopolis. Finally, the truth would come out. Finally, he would understand his purpose in life.

Then, he stopped again.

"Hang on...what _is_ a Chaos Emerald?"

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

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Wonder of silliness or waste of time? Post in now as Shadow gears up for Level 1! 


	2. Westopolis

I've got to say, I'm very surprised by the support I've gotten just for the Prologue. 16 reviews? I'm lucky to even hit double figures with my stories, but I guess that's the price for mostly writing SatAM tales. The only thing that surprises me more is that most of the people who like this also really like the game! Glad to see my dislike for the Ultimate LifeForm doesn't bug you that much!

Oh, and Bumbleboxer, don't worry. I'm planning on downplaying the amnesia the further we get into the story and as he meets more of the cast. As for doing the Neutral Story, it's the only one I completed, so it's easier to write for. Plus, it seems to me that Shadow's made out as such a hardassed lone wolf, he wouldn't even follow his own storyline. **XP** And of course, the emphasised swears are a must!

But enough blabbing for now. Chapter 1 is all set to go. Thanks to everyone for their supportive reviews and I hope you enjoy the first major installment...

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**CHAPTER 1  
****"_WESTOPOLIS_"**

After picking up a copy of Exposition magazine from a newspaper stand (lead article: "_Everything You Already Know About Chaos Emeralds, But Somehow Can't Remember_"), Shadow dashed to the outskirts of the city. By now, smoke was really pouring over the buildings, with a mixture of gunfire and roars echoing everywhere. Thankfully, Shadow had forgotten to feel nervous and was quite content with himself as he made it to the main road, the alien's words still replaying in his head.

"Hmm..._the promised time_, huh?" he thought aloud, "Well then, time to fulfill that promise. Now that I know what I'm looking for, nothing will be able to stop me. Nothing will stand in the way of my _destiny_!"

Unfortunately, he was so pleased with himself, he didn't notice the end of the road had broken off and curved upwards, or that a line of speed pads lay before it. Shadow hit the boosters at top speed, shot off the end of the tarmac and rocketed straight into the air like a cork from a bottle.

"AAAAAAAA!" The hedgehog's face flapped in the wind as he flew skywards, yelling his bent quills off. He was going higher and higher over the Westropolis skyscrapers and then, just when he thought he was going to pop right through the stratosphere, he realised he was falling back down again. Human and alien alike couldn't help stopping to watch the blackened blur scream across the sky, before he vanished behind some tower blocks with an almighty CRAAASH.

"Well, that was weird", commented a soldier.

"You said it", agreed one of the muscular aliens, "...now what were we doing again?"

"...uh..." The human pondered the matter. "You were gonna throw me into that car, weren't you?"

"Oh yeah! Thanks!" replied the alien and happily continued its mindless carnage.

On the other side of town, Shadow was in less high spirits. He'd just crashed through the roof of a conveniently-parked matress truck and was having a hard time just keeping himself upright.

"Who...in the _hell_..." he growled, scrambling out of the hole he'd made, "...puts a row of _damned_ speed pads...at the end of a _damned_ broken road where _anyone_ can _DAMNED_ run off of?"

"Try askin' the developers, Shady."

Shadow fell right off the lorry in surprise. Right beside the damaged vehicle was another hedgehog, but this newcomer was very different from Shadow. His fur was blue instead of black and red, while his eyes shone an emerald green. The sneakers on this newcomer's feet were a simpler design than the jet shoes and a fanged grin was permanently botoxed on his face.

"Hey, Shadow! Long time no see!"

Carefully, Shadow pulled himself upright with a nearby fire hydrant. He was still trembling a little from his flight.

"And you are?" he snapped grumpily. The blue hedgehog looked puzzled for a moment, but then snapped his fingers in realisation.

"Oh yeah, the amnesia thing! It's me, Sonic - remember? Fastest thing on Earth? Defender of humanity? Coolest thing on the third rock from the sun? We beat up that lizard monster and metal hedgehog together a while back. Ring any bells?"

Shadow thought hard. Having just crashed through a matress truck, it was even more difficult than usual.

"Sonic..." he said slowly, "Yes, I...I _do_ remember you...I think...you're the one who travels faster than sound, right?"

"The one and only", grinned Sonic and demonstrated this by lapping the lorry a few times in just under 2 seconds. However, a fresh explosion suddenly rocked the ground and the blue newcomer shot off-course, running head-first into a lamppost.

"Oh, yes", smirked Shadow, "It's all coming back to me now." Once Sonic regained his senses and his nose had stopped bleeding, he noticed a small group of lanky aliens up ahead, no doubt responsible for the latest blast.

"Looks like these black creatures really mean business!" he said, "Let's you and me show them a thing or two!"

"Huh?"

"Well...you know. Beat 'em up and junk."

"Beat the _hell_ out of them?" Shadow cracked his knuckles with a wicked smile. "Now there's a skill I could _never_ forget!" Brimming with confidence, the two hedgehogs dashed towards the tall aliens, who had surrounded a couple of disarmed soldiers.

"Keep away! Keep away! " they sang to each other.

"Guys, c'mon! This ain't funny!" protested the troop leader, "I _need_ that handgun! It was my anniversary present!"

"Say 'please'!" taunted an alien.

"OK...um...please?"

"_Hah!_ He said 'please'! Gaaaaaayboooooy!" All the alien warriors roared with laughter as the soldier receded into a huff. But at that very moment, the black and blue heroes arrived on the scene too.

"Hey, stretch!" Sonic called to the tallest monster, "How's the weather up there? Y'know, beatin' up smaller people isn't very _big_ of you! Beatin' _you _isn't gonna be a _tall_ order! Guess I'm gonna have to cut you down t-"

"Oh, _screw_ the banter! Let's just _kill him_!" snarled Shadow and, wrenching the handgun from the leader's hand, blew his brains out onto a nearby car.

"Woah", breathed Sonic, but Shadow wasn't done yet. As the remaining aliens tried to run away, he cut them off in a flash and fired a volley of shots into the chest and head of each one. Green blood was flying everywhere, the black hedgehog letting out a long, random battle cry as the bullets kept on coming.

"Shadow! **_Shadow_**!"

Finally, he stopped, having now resorting to his own fists. Sonic stood next to him, wiping the alien innards off his fur and looking livid.

"What?" Shadow snapped back, "I'm just making sure they're dead!"

"Yeah, but you've been making sure for ten _minutes_!" retorted his blue companion, "Now, come on! We're wasting time!" Noticing a pick-up nearby, Shadow reloaded the smoking firearm like a child on Christmas Day and the hedgehog duo raced on down the battletorn road again.

"Hey, wait a minute!" called the troop leader, "You've still got my handgun! Hey, you!" Sighing, he fished out a mobile phone from his trouser pocket and began to dial. "Hello, honey? Yeah, fine, how are you? Oh, good. So, funny story..."

Meanwhile, Sonic and Shadow had found another group of aliens and soldiers at the end of the street. This time, the extra-terrestrials were distributing atomic wedgies, but their fun was short-lived. Sonic bowled half of them over with some well-aimed Spin Dashes, while Shadow simply blew the heads off the rest.

"Alright!" cheered the blue hedgehog as the last creature fell, "Just goes to show that nothing can stop the power of teamwo-"

"_Don't_!" snapped the 'Ultimate LifeForm', "Just...don't!" He might have the worst memory in the world, but even _he_ couldn't forget having 'the power of teamwork' hammered into him on their last adventure.

"OK, OK" mumbled Sonic, "Say, what you got there?" He noticed that Shadow had just picked up something by one of the alien corpses. It was a glittering green rock, double the size of his hand. "A Chaos Emerald!" cried Sonic happily, "With that, you can unlock unlimited power!"

"_This_ is a Chaos Emerald?" inquired Shadow and referred to his magazine for a second opinion, "Hey, wait a minute! It says here that Chaos Emeralds are about twice as small as this thing and that they're only found in hidden psychadelic Special Zones! If that's an Emerald, then how come it's sitting in the middle of a major American city like a sore thumb?"

"Beats me", Sonic shrugged, "Maybe the developers think our modern fans are too stupid to hunt them out themselves."

"Yeah, I guess", admitted Shadow. He still had no idea what he meant by 'developers', but he pocketed the green Emerald and hopped up on a conveniently-placed spring to the next level of the city.

"Hang on! How'd he do that?" Sonic wondered aloud, "He doesn't have any pockets!"

As the blue hedgehog sat and tried to figure out how this was possible, Shadow continued on alone. He was having a ball; skating along the wartorn highway, blasting any aliens which came into his sight or bowling them over with high-charged Spin Attacks. He had just begun slamming a particularly tall creature's head in a car door, when he noticed something hover towards him. It was the one-eyed starfish creature from back at the hill.

"Shadow", it purred, "My name is Black Doom, leader of the Black Arms. We spoke through my Doom's Eye here earlier. Cease these attacks on my warriors and stop interfering in our doomsday mission! You are dooming our effots to failure! We need the Chaos Emeralds to send these human insects to their doom!"

"First, stop saying 'doom'!" interrupted Shadow, "And second, I'm _getting_ the _damn_ Emeralds! You think they're just lying in the middle of the road waiting to be picked up? Well...well, they are, but that's beside the point!"

"How about we _both_ shut up and _you_ go and kill some humans like a nice little Ultimate LifeForm?" asked Doom's Eye, "Sound good?"

"I guess", replied Shadow, eager to exercise his trigger finger again. Raising his handgun, he took aim at the nearest band of soldiers. They were distracted by a group of aliens chasing them around the street, trying to give them 'nipple gripples'. Sitting ducks. He squinted his eyes. His finger began to tighten...

He dropped the gun.

"I can't do it", he breathed, "I...I just can't do it."

"I knew it!" hissed Doom's Eye, "You feel pity for these pathetic creatures! You have let emotions deny you your true nature!"

"The _hell_ I have!" protested Shadow, "This _damn_ thing's outta bullets!"

"Oh", replied the alien starfish. "Well, then, I can help you there. Take out the Emerald." Shadow complied. "Now, concentrate hard on all your pain and suffering and say the words 'Chaos Blast' out loud."

"Why?" inquired Shadow, "What will this 'Chaos Blast' do?"

**BOOOOOM!**

Suddenly, Shadow's entire body jerked. A large burst of red energy exploded from the black hedgehog in all directions, instantly killing the band of soldiers and a couple of other humans nearby as the blast engulfed them. Nearby aliens roared their support as Doom's Eye winked proudly.

"Impressive", he purred, "How were you able to summon enough anguish to charge so quickly?"

"I'm an amnesic lab experiment gone wrong, nursing a lost love and with a thirst for destruction", explained Shadow, "Angst is _all_ I think about. You're right about that thing helping me out, though", he grinned, "Chaos Blast rocks!"

**BOOOOOM!**

Shadow blinked. All the nearby aliens had just been reduced to piles of dust.

"You idiot!" scolded Doom's Eye, "What was _that_ for?"

"What?" snapped the black hedgehog, "All I said was that Chaos Blast rocks!"

**BOOOOOM!**

A few cars exploded and a few dozen windows smashed.

"Stop it!" yelled the alien starfish, "Stop saying the words!"

"What words?" asked Shadow. "Chaos Blast?"

**BOOOOOM!**

Several buildings around them began to shake and finally crumbled to the ground.

"Yes, yes!" the Eye bellowed, "Are you _trying_ to get us all killed?"

"OK, fine", groaned the hedgehog, "I'm sorry I said Chaos Blast again".

**BOOOOOM!**

On and on it went, for nearly a full five minutes. It wasn't until Doom's Eye whipped the Emerald out of his hand with a tentacle that the Chaos Blasting finally stopped. By which time the entire city of Westopolis had been completely levelled to the ground.

"Well, very well done there!" growled the starfish as he observed Black Doom scramble from the vast wreckage and reattached to his head. "You deliberately disobeyed me! You're almost as stupid as every human on this planet put together!"

"Oh, come on!" retorted Shadow, "I've wiped out pretty much all of their soldiers and I can see another Emerald up ahead there!"

"Yes, but you've _also_ wiped out pretty much all of _my_ soldiers too and nearly singed my _tendrils off_!" barked Black Doom, "You do not attack our own warriors!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever", mumbled the hedgehog. Just as he gathered up the two Emeralds, a blue streak shot from the horizon and screeched to a halt just in front of them. It was Sonic, having escaped the manic Blasting with his super speed.

"I've got it!" he proclaimed, "_Hammerspace_! _That's_ how he can carry all that stuff around! Isn't it? I'm right, aren't I?"

Shadow rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Is that all you wanted?"

"Actually, no", went on Sonic and did his best to look angry. It wasn't easy with the botoxed smile. "What were you doing wiping out the whole _city_? Are you crazy or something?"

"What are _you_ so angry about?" snapped Shadow, "All the aliens here are gone, right? Isn't that good for you?"

"Not when you wipe out all the humans as well!" nagged his blue counterpart, "They're the good guys, remember? They're on _our_ side!"

"_His_ side?" interjected Black Doom, "Excuse me, but I think you'll find the _Black Arms_ who are on his side."

"Dream on, E.T.!" retorted Sonic, "Shadow may be an angstwad, but he's still a hero deep down!"

"Huh! Says you, you clown-faced freak!" scoffed the alien leader.

"Who's game franchise is this again?"

"Whose got the cooler character design?"

"Hippy!"

"Dictator!"

"Pig!"

"Space bum!"

"_ENOUGH!_"

Sonic and Black Doom halted the slagging match. Shadow stepped between them, fists clenched and eyes glowing a brighter red than usual.

"No-one tells me what to do!" he barked, "I have my own reasons for collecting the Chaos Emeralds!"

"You really don't understand the situation here, do you?" Black Doom snapped back. "In case your brain is still running on low-watt, this is a video game spin-off and _you're_ the star! You have to side with one of us or the stupid storyline the makers wrote may never be resolved!"

"For a change, Tall, Dark 'n' Gruesome here has a point", added Sonic, "Picking a side is the only way to finish the game with some vague sense of closure! So, hurry up and pick already! I'm gettin' ashes in my sneaks!" Shadow pondered the matter. It was a lot to take in. He was a video game star? Siding with one of these squabbling babies was the only way to the truth?

"Well?" asked Black Doom irritably, "Who are you siding with?"

"...no-one."

"_What?_"

"You heard me", growled Shadow, "I'm siding with no-one. I don't require help from bickering fools like you. I will collect the Chaos Emeralds myself and discover my true identity on my own. I am the Ultimate LifeForm. A pesky interplanetary war will not stop me discovering who I am!"

"Oh geez, you're takin' the _Neutral_ story route?" moaned Sonic, "But that's the dumbest plotline of all!"

"I didn't ask for your advice", seethed the black hedgehog. "I'm going to find my destiny! See you in _hell_, girls!"

"Silence!" barked Black Doom, "The ramifications of your disobedience will be severe!" With that, he zapped Shadow with energy beams from his clawed hands and the self-proclaimed Ultimate LifeForm vanished into thin air.

"Bitch", mumbled the alien.

"You said it", added Sonic.

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Elsewhere, the staff of G.U.N. Headquarters were stretched to breaking point. It had been _weeks_ since the last rampaging god or spacestation-hijacking mutant and just when everyone was starting to relax a little bit, monstrous aliens pop out of nowhere and start invading the planet without so much as a "People of Earth..." speech! Now, everyone was working overtime with no breaks and you could barely move without bumping into someone having a panic attack. 

The Control Room was worst affected. People were banging their heads off their keyboards, guards ran squealing between the consoles and someone had typed "_GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!_" on the giant computer screen of the world. Overseeing everything was the grey-haired, grey-suited G.U.N. Commander, face in his palm as everyone below him rushed around like frightened schoolgirls.

"You just can't get the staff these days", he mumbled to himself. Just then, a messenger ran up to him from behind.

"The black aliens have hit six major cities around the world and every city is reporting significant damage and casualties!" he reported, "Among them, Westopolis has received the heaviest casualties, due to its weakened defence system...and...well, being completely annihilated off the face of the Earth. Unconfirmed sources have also reported seeing a black hedgehog in Westopolis".

"Shadow?" The Commander raised his head at last and swivelled round to face the messenger, "Deploy the troops _now_! And if you find Shadow with the black aliens...then, kill them all!"

"But sir", questioned the lower soldier, "Isn't Shadow on our side?"

"I gave you an order, soldier!" barked the Commander, "He's evil and he's the enemy!"

"Nuh-uh!" replied the messenger, "You're always going on about how we could learn a thing or two from Shadow on battle techniques and how we'd all be toast if it wasn't for good ol' Shadow savin' our butts! You even left a Valentines card by the statue of him you had er-"

"_Just get outta my sight!_" bellowed his superior and the messenger ran away with a squeak. The Commander sighed heavily. Looking back to make sure the mad soldiers couldn't see, he took out a black locket shaped like a heart. Inside lay a photo of a sour-looking black hedgehog.

"You can't fool me, Shadow", he muttered through gritted teeth, "This time, you're mine."

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

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And Level 1 is now complete! Sorry it took so long and I'll hopefully see you later for a trip into Glyphic Canyon. 


	3. Glyphic Canyon

Better late than never!

Many apologies for such a big delay. Call it a mix of Writer's Block and getting settled into university life for the first time. But thanks to the horror that is the Sonic 2006 game refuelling my anger gauges, you've got yourselves a second chapter! To Glyphic Canyon, ho!

WARNING: this chapter contains several double entendres which some readers may find mildly distasteful or highly arousing. I dunno, takes all sorts...

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**CHAPTER 2  
****"_GLYPHIC CANYON_"**

It took quite some time for Shadow to regain consciousness. He was having the most beautiful dream - himself dancing through a field of razorblades - when a cold burst of wind forced him awake. Slowly, the hedgehog got to his feet, his thoughts swirling like an ice cream mixer.

"Ugh," he groaned, holding his head as though it might fall off at any time, "Wha...where am I?"

Shadow's eyes scanned the area. He was on an old stone pathway, winding its way towards some even older buildings off in the distance. White clouds occupied most of the sky. Judging from the chilly winds and the mountains decorating the background, he was very high up as well. He figured he was at the ruins of some ancient civilisation. But how did he get there? Then, his memory gave a jolt and it all came back. Black Doom.

"Whoa," said Shadow, reeling from the sudden revelation, "I guess I underestimated his powers. Wait. Does this mean that I, the Ultimate Lifeform, have actually been foolish enough to make a _mistake?_"

He considered the matter.

"No. No, it's reality that's wrong."

Pride restored, he gazed at the temples off in the distance. "Hmm, there's definitely something going on out there. Now, it's up to me to find out why I'm so _damned_ messed up".

Feeling as though he should make a start, Shadow instinctively began running along the stone path. Almost at once, though, he found himself heading for a mossy loop-the-loop, big enough to make the London Eye feel small and insignificant. But he'd just built up enough speed by then and shot through with little problems, save for a slight queasiness afterwards. Unfortunately, it was this same queasiness that prevented him noticing the speed boosters at the end of the road. Until he hit them, that is.

"NOT AGAAAAIN!" cried the hedgehog, as he shot towards the heavens, flew over the endless chasm below him, and plummeted onto a soft red something on the other side.

"_WHY?_" Shadow yelled, as the dust from his landing began to lift, "_Why do those DAMN developers have to leave all these DAMN gaps in ALL OF THE GODDAMNED ROADS_?"

Suddenly, the soft red something began to stir. Shadow quickly picked himself up, allowing the dazed echidna below him to do the same. His spines appeared to be styled like dreadlocks and his rolling eyes had a purple hue to them. Housing his green socks was a pair of chunky red and yellow shoes (Was that a big Lego brick on each of them?), while two thick spikes protruded from each gloved fist.

"Ow, geez!" mumbled the echidna, as he tried to find his bearings, "Almighty Chaos, what was _that_?" He found his answer when he saw a black hedgehog standing beside him. Unusually, his anger faded and he began to smile.

"Hey, Shadow!" he said, "It's been a while! How've you been?"

"You know me?" asked the confused Ultimate Lifeform and studied him again. Memories began leaking back into his mind. "Wait! Wait, you _do_ know me!" he thought aloud, "What was your name again? Uhh...Kneecaps? Mr Mole? Fister?"

"Knuckles, it's Knuckles!" replied the echidna. He'd almost forgotten how annoying this whole amnesia thing was.

"And you were from...that place. What's it called? Tracey Island?"

"Angel Island!" growled Knuckles. He really didn't have time for this.

"Oh, and you were always going on and on about somebody. It was like you were married or something. Martha Emery, was tha-"

"_Master Emerald!_" snapped the echidna, "It's _Master Emerald!_ I'm married to the _Master Emerald!_ Erm...I mean..." Knuckles decided to quickly change the subject, before his face could go redder than normal. "So, I'm guessing you saw them too, didn't you? Those black creatures floating around here? They're after a Chaos Emerald that's meant to be hidden here and I'd dye my dreads _green_ before I let them get their claws on it!"

Shadow's ears pricked up at this. Another Chaos Emerald! Oh, the sheer convenience of it all!

"Out of the way," he ordered and began marching his way up the stone steps in front of them towards the first temple.

"Wait a minute!" asked Knuckles, "Shouldn't we be working together or something?"

"You wish," snarled the hedgehog, "I need these Emeralds to find my destiny and I intend to do it _alone!_"

"Well, I've got news for you, sieve-for-brains!" retorted the echidna, "I'm guardian of those Emeralds and I intend to get them back where they belong, so it looks like you're stuck with me!"

Shadow pondered. "If you're the guardian of the Chaos Emeralds, why have you let them get scattered all over the world like this?"

"Simple, I...well, that is, I kinda...ah...the developers gave me some magic beans for them." Knuckles gave a sheepish grin. "The stupid things tasted terrible too. I don't feel any more magical than before! But it's OK! Because now you're here and we can get the Emeralds back together!"

Shadow frowned. He felt he could handle the aliens fine on his own and he certainly wasn't willing to split his necessary booty. Especially with a naive loner attracted to a big green rock. The only way to shake him would be to use all the cunning his mind could possibly muster.

"Hey, look behind you! A flying elephant!"

"Really? Wow!" Knuckles craned his neck up and searched the skies, while Shadow darted up the steps. A group of the aliens blocked the entrance to a stone tunnel at the top. They were supposed to be guarding it, but seemed much more occupied throwing loose rocks at each other or carving rude words on the walls with their claws. Shadow leapt through the air and plugged several bullets into each creature's head. The place was cleared in seconds.

"Idiots," the hedgehog said cockily and blew the smoke from his gun barrel.

"Hey, you!" Knuckles had caught up with him, looking positively livid. "There was no flying elephant there at _all!_ Don't you know it's cruel to take advantage of the overly gullible? Or didn't they teach you that on Space Colo-HEY! Get back here!"

Shadow had raced through the tunnel before he could finish, but Knuckles was quickly on his tail. He tried to shake him off - taking a trip through another oversized loop-the-loop, rocketing through some more tunnels, hopping up some comically oversized steps - but still, the echidna kept at his heel. The aliens had even given up on their games and had begun cheering them on like it was the Monaco Grand Prix.

"Go Shadow!" called one, getting run over by his champion in the process.

"Leave me the _hell_ alone!" the hedgehog snarled over his shoulder, but Knuckles wasn't relenting. With a frustrated noise, Shadow turned his attention to the road again. And realised he was heading straight for the end of the road again. Not only that, but just beyond raged a mighty sand tornado that rivalled even the loops in height. Shadow dug his heels hard into the ground and, with a rather ghastly screeching sound, skidded right up to the edge of the platform.

"Phew!" he sighed, "That could've been unpleasant".

And then, Knuckles crashed into him.

The duo were wrenched into the tornado and tossed through the air like ragdolls in a washing machine. Wind and sand blinded them both as they felt themselves being lifted higher and higher. At one point, Shadow swore he could see a cackling woman fly past them on a bicycle, but that might've been thanks to lack of oxygen. All he could hear was the intense roaring of the cyclone and a belated cry of "Help! We're being sucked in!" from Knuckles. For which the hedgehog mustered enough energy to slap him.

Finally, when it seemed as though the hurricane would never stop, it did. Shadow found himself on another pathway in a painful heap. His fur was sandy, his joints ached and his lungs hurt as he gulped in fresh air. But the aching in the hedgehog's head when he saw who was floating over him surpassed all known agonies.

"Oh _crap_, it's Octopussy!"

"Hey, shut up!" retorted Doom's Eye, "I can't help the way I was rendered!"

"Yeah, whatever." Shadow pulled himself up. "Just what're you doing here, anyway?"

"Listen, angstwad," growled the alien, "I don't give a Martian's ass what you say. I'm going to get you round to the Dark Side if I have to go through every stupid plot path in this game to do it!"

"Good luck trying," retorted Shadow, "I don't work for _anyone_. Especially not some reject from a tentacle _rape_ cartoon! Neither good nor evil will swing me in my quest for the ultimate truth!"

"...I'll give you this Evanescence CD."

"Done."

Doom's Eye chortled and flung the album over with a tentacle. "I knew I'd make you see sense. Now, do you swear allegiance to the Blacks Arms and their cause and promise to serve me as your one true master?"

"Mm?" Shadow was busy kissing the cover of Amy Lee. "Oh, sure, whatever."

"Excellent!" boomed the alien, "Now, you must touch my jewels!"

The Ultimate LifeForm ceased his snogging at once. "_What?_"

"You heard me," said Doom's Eye, "I need to test your loyalty. So, we shall traverse these ruins together and on our way, you shall touch my jewels."

"Um...I don't _think_ so," snorted Shadow.

The Eye began to frown. "That was a direct command," he growled, "You are to touch my jewels to release the devastating power that they hold within and you will do it right _now_."

Shadow just stood frozen. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Are you _joking_? I know you're an evil extraterrestrial dictator, but that's sick even for _me_."

"I said '_come'_, Shadow!" bellowed the alien starfish, "_Come with me! Now!_"

"_That's_ it! I'm out of here!" cried the hedgehog and made to skate for the hills.

"_What insolence is this_?" roared Doom's Eye, "We had a deal!"

"Well, the deal's off!" the hedgehog snapped and threw the Evanescence disc over the edge of the pathway. "I don't even like Amy Lee that much anyway," he retorted, "My heart belongs to..." He gasped. "MARIA!" Without warning, he sunk to his knees and wailed to the heavens. "Oh, Maria! Please forgive me! Those kisses meant nothing! It's _you_ I truly love, not her! Maria, I beg you! Forgive me!"

"Oh, for the love of..." Shooting down to Shadow's height, Doom's Eye wrenched the black hedgehog into the air with his tentacles and shook him violently. "_TOUCH - MY - **JEWELS!**_"

Snapping out of his prayer with a yelp, Shadow spin-dashed out of the alien's clutches and thundered away as fast as his jet shoes would let him.

"Get back here!" boomed the Eye, "The first jewel shrine is _this_ way! Only _you_ can release the energy within to reawaken our temp...oh, to _Hell_ with it!" With a wave of his tendrils, he floated off towards the first shrine himself, cursing under his breath. If myopic alien starfish breathe.

Shadow continued racing along the pathway. All he cared about was getting as far away from that perverted creature as quickly as possible. He didn't stop until he felt himself hit something. Something hard and red.

"Urgh!" exclaimed Knuckles as he picked himself off the dusty road. "What the heck was _that_ for?" But before Shadow could say anything, a violent wind began to whip around them. Within seconds, sand was swirling everywhere. Loose bricks, large rocks and even temple pillars were now suddenly flying overhead.

"Make sure the boulders swept up in the wind don't hit you!" called Knuckles, "...hey, where'd you go?"

Shadow had vanished. Standing in his place was a huge chunk of stone blown onto the path.

"Excuse me, Mr Boulder!" the echidna asked over the noise of the wind. "Have you seen a black hedgehog just now?"

The boulder appeared to groan.

"What? Is that a 'yes?'" asked Knuckles excitedly, "Did you see him? Which way did he go?"

"Down."

Knuckles was surprised and confused by the boulder's answer. Until he noticed a battered Shadow crawl out from underneath it.

"Thanks for the warning, Knucklehead," he snarled and rubbed his back with a fresh surge of pain, "Let's just get out of here, OK?" Grabbing hold of the echidna's arm, Shadow mustered all of his concentration and shot along the pathway. Bricks and rocks whizzed through the air, while pillars fell on the road and tried to run over them, but the hover shoes didn't fail them. With much skilled dodging and acrobatics, Shadow finally felt them leaving the sandstorm's range and brought himself to a stop.

"Are you alright?" he panted to his passenger. Knuckles dusted himself off.

"Yeah, I think so."

"..._damn_," wheezed the hedgehog. Thankfully, Knuckles was too tired to hear him.

"Man, this is taking a lot outta me," he said, "I'm so pooped, it's like I'm standing on thin air. Hey, wait a minute..." The echidna looked down.

They were floating in the eye of another sand tornado.

"_Goddamnit, not again!_" yelled Shadow as they once more became the mighty wind's playthings. The hedgehog's ears registered a cry of "Way to go, jerkwaaaaaaad!" before everything blurred a second time.

Finally, the cyclone began to die down and Shadow met solid ground again. Hard. He pulled himself up with some difficulty. He could barely keep his balance after that trip, let alone register his surroundings. That was until he felt a repulsive breath against his neck.

"Maria!" he cried joyously, "I know your beautiful scent anywh-"

He turned to find a colossal alien sand worm staring him in the face.

"AAA!" yelped Shadow and jumped back. The sand worm roared back and stood fully erect. Enraged, it flailed around, the jaws on top of its head gnashing furiously.

_And I thought Octopussy was a phallic symbol_, the hedgehog thought to himself and casually withdrew his handgun. "Lights out, sandman," he smirked and pulled the trigger.

Nothing happened.

Shadow tried again. And again. Still, nothing. "Damn it!" he cried and withdrew his weapon. The winds and the cyclones must have clogged the systems full of sand. Now, he'd have to fight it the old-fashioned way.

"Bring it on," he growled and shot straight for the beast. The worm made to snap at him, but Shadow wrapped his arms around its thick body and tried to wrestle it into submission. The air was filled with piercing screeches from the creature and strained grunts from the hedgehog. And hysterical laughter from a nearby echidna.

"Kunckles!" snapped the Ultimate Lifeform. Knuckles was a few feet away, cackling fit to burst on all-fours.

"Wrong! Hahaha! It loohooks so _wrong!_" he howled between guffaws, "If you (Hehe!) i-if you could _see_ yourself!" His great fists began pounding the floor, as a fresh wave of laughter overwhelmed him.

"Just shut up and help me!" yelled Shadow as the worm's writhing became more intense. Calming down enough to get off the ground, Knuckles ran into a glide and flew fist-first into the creature's middle. It gave a roar of pain as the spikes punctured its skin and decided to retreat back into its hole. But not before Shadow kicked it in the head on the way down. He turned to Knuckles, eyes blazing.

"Sorry about that," replied the echidna, unable to hold back another giggle, "But if you were the one watching, you would've laughed too!"

"I doubt it," snapped Shadow and turned to continue his journey.

"...at least it wasn't foaming at the mo-"

"Just shut up!" bellowed the hedgehog, "_Damn_, what _is_ it with those aliens and all that phallic imagery? Are these developer people _perverts_ or something?"

"Beats me," shrugged Knuckles, "Maybe they're trying to justify getting a mature rating?" Shadow wasn't listening. He was staring at the next temple which stood behind the sand worm's hole. _It can't be much longer now_, he thought as they entered. _That Emerald's got to be around here somewhere..._

"This temple looks very odd," Knuckles observed, "It has a bird-like shape to it."

Shadow raised an eyebrow. He didn't think the place looked even remotely bird-shaped. Then, he noticed the echidna was staring at a little sparrow on the floor.

"That's a _real_ bird, you...!" The hedgehog buried his head in his hands. "Have you ever acted seriously in your whole _life_?"

"Sure I have!" protested Knuckles, "I'll have you know _I_ was the serious one in the franchise before _you_ came along. But then, the bosses recommended I get some personality surgery for the franchise relaunch. Now, I'm incredibly gullible, suffer massive mood swings and occasionally end up as cheap comic relief. I've never looked back, though. I mean, look at this cool scar!"

"I don't want to see your _damn_ sc-!" Shadow froze mid-rant. He'd only just noticed how plump this sparrow really was and that it seemed to be surrounded by an unhealthy yellow glow. After a quick glance in Exposition magazine, his quills quivered.

"The bird!" he yelled, "It's eaten the Emerald!"

Before he could catch it, the bird flew out the other side of the temple. Shadow followed and found himself on the edge of yet another sand tornado. His plump foe appeared to have flown inside.

"Oh, this is getting ridiculous!" growled the hedgehog. He took one last look at the Emerald guardian - too busy playing with his scar to realise anything - and ran in after his prize.

The usual bout of terrible winds and sand flying everywhere seemed quicker to him this time. Maybe it was his heroic determination. Maybe it just felt better than being with Knuckles any longer. Whatever it was, Shadow found himself at the very end of the temple pathway, the plump sparrow clutched in his gloved hands.

"There's the little giblet!"

Shadow jumped as a small squadron of Black Arms soldiers surrounded him. Doom's Eye hovered overhead.

"That accursed feather duster swallowed the Emerald just as we arrived here!" snarled the alien starfish, "Now, hand it over!"

"You just don't get it, do you?" snarled his spiny captor, "I take orders from no-one. I do as I decide. I..."

"Yes, yes, I'm a lone wolf, I'm like the wind, blah blah blah," Doom's Eye grumbled, "If it wasn't for me, you'd never know how limitless your powers were!"

A grunt was his reply from the hedgehog, "I would've found out about that Chaos Blast soo-"

**BOOOOOM!**

"Not agaaaiiiin!" wailed Doom's Eye as he soared away in a pathetic-looking retreat. Shadow stood alone, slightly dumbfounded. The soldiers had been completely wiped out and the sparrow had disintegrated in his hand, leaving only a large yellow Chaos Emerald behind.

"I've really got to remember about that," he thought aloud and set off once again on his epic journey of self-discovery and enlightenment.

"...uh...how do I get down?"

* * *

The President sighed as he gazed out the balcony in his office. At the time, it felt like a good idea to have the whole of Westopolis moved onto the White House lawn. His wife said it would send the property value skyrocketing. Now, the city was nothing but a smouldering wreck and his rosebushes were a mess. Good thing his term was almost over, he thought. Real estate agents in Washington charged a fortune for bribes.

Suddenly, the phone began ringing. Pulling himself away from the disaster area, he activated the speakers.

"Mr President?" It was his secretary. "We've received a report from the Central Information Agency. Our troops have successfully pushed back the black aliens from Westopolis."

"Say what?" he replied, "I thought that both sides were wiped out by that strange explosion!"

"Yes, but this'll sound better on the front of the Washington Post tomorrow," she reasoned, "We've also managed to suppress enemy forces in five other cities. Unfortunately, we sorta suppressed the cities into the ground in the process. There are also reports that the CIA's mainframe has been compromised. We're investigating the incidents now. It is a strong possibility that this was also committed by the black aliens, but it may just have been the Defence Secretary trying to download movies again."

The President frowned and pulled the most dramatic pose he could think of. "Tell the commanding generals that the United Federation will _never_ surrender to _terrorists!_" he boomed patriotically.

"Yes, Mr President," said his secretary, "Oh, and one more thing. Your wife says she's taken away your West Wing boxsets. She says they're making you act delusional."

"Well, you can tell her she's just plain wrong!" he protested, "Delusional indeed..."

"...you doing the pose right now, aren't you, sir?"

The President simply growled and hung up. His eyes flitted across his desk to a framed picture of two humanoid hedgehogs outside the White House. One was blue and trying to take up most of the photo with a broad botoxed smile. The other was black and was being led away by Secret Service agents as he tried to slash his wrists with presidential roses.

"This planet was once saved from tyranny and annihilation by you two heroes," he said to no-one in particular, "Now, mankind must protect this peace, at all costs."

Activating a tape player under the desk, he pulled an Uncle Sam outfit from one of the drawers and changed into it as _'Stars and Stripes Forever' _filled the office.

"We must stand _united_ to defend our world from these _invaders_!" he cried and, tugging a cord by the balcony, sent the ol' Red, White an' Blue cascading down every wall.

The First Lady entered.

"...um...honey, I can explain..."

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

* * *

Again, sorry it took so long and hope you could stomach it. See you later for Prison Island, patriots! 


	4. Prison Island

My, this place looks barren!

Schoolwork, my first uni exams and plain old procrastination are the culprits for this latest delay. To anyone who's actually still reading this, many apoligies and here's hoping it's been worth the wait.

* * *

CHAPTER 3  
**"_PRISON ISLAND_"**

It was night by the time Shadow figured out a way down the mountains. After hours of fruitless thought, he had decided to check his copy of 'Exposition' for anything helpful. Nothing relevant seemed to crop up until he reached page 20. It featured a large do-it-yourself article on Chaos Control - manipulating the powers of Chaos Emeralds for your own personal needs.

Shadow's coal heart quickened and he read on with interest. It was quite a list of abilities on offer; flight, energy bolts, Chaos Blasting, freeze beams, bringing alien cabbages back to life, general space-time tinkering, making the tea, teleportation...

Teleportation! That was it!

Not taking his eyes off the page, Shadow withdrew an Emerald from his person and held it tightly in one hand. He tried to concentrate on a safe place to arrive, clicked the heels of his jet shoes together and read aloud.

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Chaos Control, _activate!_"

_Pop._

Shadow's surroundings instantly changed. The clear night sky was now tinged with a light layer of smog and lit by distant searchlights. Up ahead, he could make out tall wire fencing and an intimidating set of iron gates. Behind them, sandy stone structures had become dull grey walls and metal piping. Shadow didn't know where he was, but at least it wasn't near Knuckles.

The hedgehog made his way up to the gates. A golden plaque had been screwed next to the bars.

"_PRISON ISLAND.  
__Abusing human and hedgehog rights since 2001.  
__Solicitors welcome._"

"Prison. Great." muttered Shadow. He wanted a safe place, but come on. "Hmm...I wonder if there are any Chaos Emeralds around here. At least I could sneer in contempt at the inmates for a little while."

A quick gunshot took care of the padlock and Shadow sneaked inside. But he'd barely crossed the threshold when he clutched his head, groaning in pain. Monochrome images suddenly flashed in his mind. A dusty room. A large mustashioed clown.

"Ugh!" he cried. "What is this?" Shadow hurridly withdrew his copy of 'Exposition' again and turned to the medical section ("Ask Dr Snively!") His eyes rushed through the list of symptoms. Black-and-white vision, throbbing headache, scenes of generic angst.

"Oh no! It's _montageivitis_!"

An unusual capsule. A frozen hedgehog sucking its thumb. Numerous explosions.

Then nothing.

"What?" Shadow gingerly composed himself. His head was clear once again. Well, as clear as it can be. "That's right," he said to no-one in particular. "I somehow escaped, but was then captured by those humans. But...from where? And when? And why? And when? And how? And which?"

Shadow's Q&A session quickly came to a halt. He noticed that a large chasm stood just in front of him, separating him from the next section of the complex. Too big to jump and too risky to Chaos Control over. Clearly, the place was now a ruin.

"_Damn_," he grumbled. Suddenly, he spotted a thick pipe to his right. It stretched right across to the other side of the pit at a downward angle and looked more than strong enough to support his weight. He noted the brand - Dave X. McKenna Plumbing.

"Guess it's just my lucky day," mused Shadow as he slotted his jet shoes onto the pipe and slid his way across to the other side of the chasm. "Still, I know this place," he continued to himself. "It feels like I've been here bef-"

"HEYSHADOW!"

"AARGH!" Shadow lost his footing. He somersaulted off the end of the pipe and fell snout-first on the hard concrete floor.

"Sorrymister!" squeaked the voice. "AreyouOK?"

"_Damn_ it, _no_!" he growled and picked himself up. "What the _hell_ were you tryna...huh?"

Shadow suddenly realised the speaker was a large young bee hovering above him. He wore an orange vest with matching trainers and a pilot's helmet complete with goggles. His tangerine eyes were darting all over the place, while his smile was one of manic excitement.

"HeyShadow!" he said hurridly. "I'vegottaaskyousomethingVectortoldmethathewantsmet-"

The bee stopped as he felt a gun barrel thrust into his thorax.

"Slow. The _hell_. _Down_!" snarled Shadow. The bee nodded enthusiastically and the firearm was withdrawn. "Now, first, who on Earth _are_ you?"

"Oh, come on, Shadow!" replied the insect. "I'm Charmy! Y'know, the fun-lovin' junior investinger...investigurgle...infesti...crime-solving guy of the Chaotix Defective Agency!" He puffed out his little chest and saluted proudly.

"Riiight," replied his quilled companion. "Yeah, I remember you guys now. It'd be hard not to. But aren't you a little young to be working for a bunch of useless teenage investigators?"

"I dunno," shrugged Charmy. "I'm just there to keep them in a good mood. Having me around makes them feel better about themselves."

"Works from where I'm standing," muttered Shadow. "Now what were you saying about that stupid crocodile?"

"Vector's not stupid!" snapped Charmy defensively. "Espio says he's just retarded!"

"Retarded _is_..." began the hedgehog. "Look, I don't have time for this! Just tell me what he said!"

"Oh alright!" buzzed Charmy. "Vector told me that he wants me to find five top secret discs. But...what _is_ a top secret disc?"

Shadow resisted the urge to punch him and instead boxed a nearby wall. It crumbled down on top of him.

"You're silly," giggled the bee and rolled about in mid-air as his new friend pulled himself from the wreckage.

"What the heck's up with this place?" demanded the hedgehog. "I might not remember much about it during my own stay, but I know it was in _much_ better condition than _this_!" Charmy pondered.

"I think Espio said you blew it up."

Shadow glared at him.

"Or not! Whatever!"

"Look, just leave me alone, alright?" growled the hedgehog. "I'm trying to discover my destiny and I can't do it with you buzzing around me all the time!" With a dramatic woosh, he began skating onwards past his insect companion.

"Hey, come back!" he squeaked. "What about the top secret discs?" But Shadow was too far away to care. "I'm telling Vector on you!"

"You too, huh?" came a deep, hurt voice. Doom's Eye swam out from the chasm, dazed and bruised. "He knocked me down that hole when he teleported and didn't even _notice_ me!"

"I know everyone thinks he's a jerk," Charmy ranted, "But now, I know he's really a world-class poophead!" and he blew a large raspberry.

"Yes," Doom's Eye snarled. "Poophead indeed." He didn't blow a raspberry. For obvious reasons.

Meanwhile, Shadow was actually starting to enjoy himself. Without any phallic extraterrestrials or caffine-crazed critters, these ruins were quite peaceful. He sighed contently as he glided past the numerous empty cells, eyes peeled for the next Chaos Emerald. Everything was starting to go smoothly again.

Then, he met another springboard.

"_Damn developeeerrrs_!" hollered the hedgehog. He soared high above another chasm and slammed down on a metallic platform in the middle of it. As he massaged his bruised bottom, Shadow realised he wasn't alone.

"Hey, look!" said one alien. "It's one of those Earth flying squirrels!"

"No way! The infodataputer said they had longer tails," said a second alien. "I think you need your cerebral cortex examined."

"I'm telling you it is!" said the first. "Look at its short stature! Those puffy cheeks!" It began pinching the creature's cheeks. Shadow's blazing eyes soon encouraged him to stop.

"Never," he roared, "_Never_ call me a _goddamn squirrel_!" The alien was promptly spin-dashed and hurled over the sides of the platform. Shadow turned to the second.

"Um..." it squeaked. "Goodness, you know, maybe _I'm_ theEarth flying squirrel after all!" and leapt after his companion.

"Squirrel..." muttered Shadow and examined his surroundings. A huge half-pipe that snaked into the distance was the only way he could go. It was filled with an unusual green sludge that was being pumped out from underneath him. Shadow dipped a finger in.

"Toxic waste," he concluded and rubbed his soiled finger over his fangs. "Yes. Definitely toxic waste." He looked around for a bridge lever or a secret passageway, but no such luck. Suddenly, he realised he was standing a manhole cover. Thinking fast, Shadow threw it into the sludge. Seeing as it didn't disintegrate, he leapt aboard it and started to ride the current off towards the horizon.

An unusual green creature popped its head out from the sewer as he vanished.

"Bogus!" it cried. "We lost another cover, dudes! Guess we gotta use the pizza boxes again!"

Shadow's voyage wasn't fun. The toxic waste was flowing much faster than he'd anticipated. It was a feat just to stay on the manhole cover as he was bashed about from wall to wall. The radioactive flume seemed to last forever. Licks of the green gunk came dangerously close to his fur, the cover finally started to erode away and - perhaps worst of all - "_Surfing USA_" was stuck in his head the whole time.

At long last, Shadow saw another series of platforms up ahead. As the manhole cover melted into nothing, the antiheroic hedgehog bounded into the air and landed back on solid ground once more.

"Safe!" the hedgehog sighed happily, "Oh, thank myself!" He began kissing the metal floor gratefully. "Ground! Solid gr...NO!" Suddenly, he shot upright again, frantically wiping his mouth. "Maria! Forgive me!" he cried. "Those kisses meant nothing! It's only a floor! I'm sorry, Maria!"

"Hey! What's all the ruckus?"

Shadow had failed to notice that his very vocal guilt trip was drawing attention. A squad of lanky Black Arms soldiers began crowding round him, blasters at the ready.

"Arms ready, men!" called the leader. "Hehe. Get it? Arms? 'cos we're the _Black_ Arms? Huh? Ah, just aim, you philistines." They did, while Shadow kept on begging forgiveness, completely unawares.

"Maria, I am infinitely sorry!" he wailed. "I never meant to cause such chaos! _Blast_ my libi..."

**BOOOOOM!**

Shadow finally returned to his senses. "Wow. I know I felt like exploding, but..." He took to his feet and hopped carefully past the small piles of purple ash around him.

Before long, Shadow was starting to get tired. He'd been dashing around the ruins of the prison complex for what seemed like ages and not found a single Emerald. Only the odd band of Black Arms warriors and a few more springboards ("_Damn _developers!"). He was just about ready to throw in the towel when...

"And a little more for you. My, you're a dehydrated one, aren't you? And some for you, and some for you..."

There was something familiar about that throaty voice. Shadow peered around a corner and spied Black Doom (bandaged third eye back in place) wandering around some large and unusual plants. A straw bonnet was perched jauntily on his horned head as he carried a watering can round to each of them.

"And a bit for you. No, I think you've had just about enough today, Audrey."

"So!" Shadow leapt around the bend. Black Doom nearly spilled his can in surprise.

"You again!" he cried. "I do hope this is about changing your allegence; otherwise, you can go and jump in the toxic compost heap over there!"

"This is just sad," sneered the hedgehog. "I mean, I knew you were pathetic, but this is just too much."

Black Doom sniffed. "There's nothing pathetic about upsetting a world's ecosystem with hostile extraterrestrial vegetation. Isn't that right, Daisy?" He fondled an oversized cactus affectionately.

"At least take that _damn_ hat off when you do that," groaned Shadow. "I'm embarrassed enough for the both of us as it is."

"Hold your tongue!" retorted the alien. "This headdress is only awarded to the most bloody, battle-hardened and merciless warriors on our entire _planet_! It signifies honour! It signifies respect!"

"It signifies you got lost on the way to the county fair!" growled Shadow. "Now, outta my way!"

"Not so fast, quilled one!" ordered Black Doom. "Seize him, my babies!"

To Shadow's surprise, the alien plants unrooted themselves from the ground and began creeping towards him. Venus fly traps and towering daffodils loomed over the black hedgehog, tendrils raised menacingly. He wanted to just spin-dash them out the way, but they had already cornered him off. Besides, he wasn't too sure he could hurt them much at their size.

"Anything to declare, hedgehog?" smirked Black Doom. "For instance, a desire to stand at my side and help us destroy the world?" Shadow lifted his head up from his copy of Exposition magazine.

"Yeah, I've got something to declare," he said impressively and pulled out a Chaos Emerald. "CHAOS _CONTROL_!"

It all happened so fast. One moment, Shadow was just standing there, blue electricity crackling all over his body. The next, he had shot straight through one of the giant fly traps and out of sight in a cobalt blur.

"No! _No!_" cried Black Doom, throwing his bonnet to the ground. "My partner! My murderous babies' lunch! Gone! What? Oh, not now, Audrey. I said not now. Cease licking me! Cease, I say! Why won't you...oh, no."

Meanwhile, Shadow's luck was rather more mixed. On the plus side, it seemed he was on his way to getting off this mad island, but on the other side, he wasn't exactly sure how to stop. The hedgehog was thundering through the ruins like a wild rocket. In only ten seconds, he'd destroyed some crude 'monkey bars' formed by bored aliens out of scrap, crashed through two high security door and flown right the way down another river of toxic waste. He could feel his stomach preparing to expell its contents when he spied something glittering up ahead.

"A Chaos EmOOF!"

Shadow had hit something. He tumbled to the floor and the blue electricity covering him crackled away to nothing. The ride was over. After a few moments, his disorientation passed. He could make out a white Chaos Emerald in a tunnel up ahead and hovering just where he had crashed was...

"Charmy?" he exclaimed. "How the _hell _did you find me?"

"You blockhead!" yelled the bee. "I know this place like the back of my stinger! You think you're the only one who's spent jailtime in this stupid dump?"

"Say what?" growled Shadow.

"I've been stuck here for over a year!" the boy went on. "After we all beat that scary robot guy, I was so hyper that I sang for weeks! OK, I deafened a few neighbours, smashed a few windows, levelled a few streets...singing's still hardly worth a criminal record, right?"

"But why were you imprisoned _here_?" Shadow queried. "This place has been deserted for years. It's a dank, decaying, forgotten ruin."

"Exactly! The perfect place to ditch me!" snapped Charmy and cornered the hedgehog with his pronged bottom. "Now, back off, poophead! I'm gonna take that Emerald and make everyone pay for thinking I'm annoying! Then, _I'll_ be the head of the Chaotix Defective Agency!"

"De_tec_tive!" growled Shadow. "Anyway, aren't you forgetting something, insect? Those stupid top-secret discs Vector wanted."

"Stupid is right!" replied the bee and pulled one out. "They're just a bunch of new hip-hop CDs he wanted me to get him! What a rip! And I'm a Hi-5 fan too!"

And off went Charmy. He ranted on and on about Vector's taste in music, that no-one truly appreciated him, how Espio acts like such a peepee-brained know-all just because he's a ninja. In fact, he was so wrapped up in his own tyrade that he didn't realise Shadow had developed a plan. Slowly, the hedgehog withdrew his copy of 'Exposition'.

WHACK!

Charmy Bee was on the floor, lights well and truly out. Shadow edged around his unconsious little body, weilding the rolled-up magazine on high like a mighty sword.

"Newspaper," he mused. "The only way to beat an insect." He made his way into the tunnel and picked up the fourth Chaos Emerald with a rare, triumphant smile.

WHACK!

Shadow felt himself topple to the ground before all went black. A clawed hand slowly reached down and prised the white gem from his clutches.

"Rakes," mused Black Doom. "The only way to beat a wild-quilled, arrogant troublemaker."

* * *

Somewhere in the dark and nasty regions, where nobody goes, stood a phallic fortress. Deep within this dank and uninviting place lived Dr Eggman, gifted manchild and bumbler extraordinaire. But that was nothing compared to the horrors that lurk within his mustache, for there was always something down there in the dark, waiting to come out. 

Look! Right there! A claw!

"Get back in there!" growled the Doctor and whacked the tiny hand back into his ginger face fuzz.

Things had been very rough for Eggman recently. Barely a few years ago, he was a goofy but formidable mastermind who could whip up a half-decent doomsday device in under a week. Now, he could barely work the toaster without it turning against him. Ever since the Chaos Creature incident, no-one would take him seriously. His red uniform was stained, his beer belly had doubled in size and his mustashe was host to a forest's worth of critters. He'd been reduced to a minor threat. A pest. A has-been. _The comic relief_.

But Eggman had little time to mope now. He was in the Control Centre, a few dozen squat WorkerBots bustling around him. Plastered all over the monitors was Sky Sports coverage of Black Arms warriors and G.U.N. soldiers clashing in Westopolis. Two small groups had apparently grown tired of fighting and briefly truced for a friendly game of football. Unfortunately, neither side was willing to admit replacing the ball with a live grenade.

"Those idiots!" raved Eggman, throwing his arms skyward. "They're destroying everything! How can I take over the city and build the Eggman Empire if there _is_ no city?"

A brief pause. He turned to the WorkerBots.

"I'm actually _asking_ you!" he barked. All androids present nearly jumped out their cases.

"_Forgive us, Doctor_," piped up one in a tinny monotone, "_But we are only programmed for domestic duties. By the way, we are also all out of chips._"

Eggman roared. "That's it! I'm at my limit! No chips! No city! No empire! No respect! Well, _not anymore!_ It's time to show this miserable planet that I am not some clueless clown for its entertaiment!"

"_Dr Eggman, I have received a call_," interrupted the computer. "_Mrs Berkowitz wishes to comfirm her booking for her son's Bar Mitzvah. Shall I tell her you'll bring your own balloons?_"

"Tell her to stick her head in a Caterkiller!" he barked back. "Now, send in the Eggman Fleet! CHARGE!" Hurridly, the WorkerBots stopped what they were doing and trundled out the room. Eggman smirked broadly. If those goons wanted his planet, they'd have to go through his entire army of vicious fighting machines first.

The WorkerBots re-entered alone.

"Well? the Doctor spluttered impatiently. "Where's the Fleet?"

"_We ARE the Fleet, sir_," replied one. "_You bartered the last EggPawns to pay this month's water bill, remember?_"

Eggman moaned and grabbed a spanner. This was going to be a very long day.

**TO BE CONTINUED...

* * *

**

'til next time, true bee-lievers!


	5. Sky Troops

Saints, be praised! He actually bothered to update!

I'd first like to deeply apologise for keeping you all waiting so long - just over a year, in fact. Truth be told, I had simply lost interest in continuing and thought it would be best to leave the story aside until I genuinely felt like carrying on with it. My attention has also been diverted by university work and various other fan projects. A few days ago, however, my classes for this year ended and I felt the urge to get off my bum and write something again. I remembered I had started this chapter a long while back and suddenly, ideas began sparking in my head. Skip ahead to now.

Apologies again for the ludicrous delays and I hope this latest installment is up to snuff.

* * *

**CHAPTER 4  
****"**_**SKY TROOPS**_**"**

Shadow awoke some hours later with a splitting headache. This was getting to be a very annoying habit in his opinion. Wherever he was, he hoped it was somewhere with a chemist nearby.

Shadow blinked. He must have been unconsious for hours as it was daylight again. The sun was blazing brightly through the cracks of a cloudy sky. A fine day for some; a horrid day for moody genetic experiments gone awry.

Shadow picked himself up. He appeared to be on a large stone platform. A tall alter stood before him as he pushed himself upright. No need for flashbacks this time; he had _definitely_ been here before. He recognised it all. The sandy rock. The unusual carvings. The red echidna asleep in the corner.

"Ah, _damn_ it!" said Shadow.

He was back at Glyphic Canyon, and the ruins were flying.

"Well, look who's finally up."

Shadow jumped. Black Doom was floating behind him, rider's crop in hand and a shrapnel helmet balanced on his head.

"Cute accessories, colonel," grumbled the hedgehog. "Where do you get that stuff? Mattel?." He peered over the edge of the platform. "I bet no-one expected this baby could fly."

Black Doom would have grinned smugly if he had a mouth. "I transported this brilliant flying fortress to this planet over two thousand years ago," he explained.

Shadow cocked an eyeridge. "And you're only using it now? Why the _hell_ didn't you use it back _then_? Humans were even stupider in those days than they are now! It would have been like nuking fish in a barrel!"

"Listen," growled Black Doom. "When _you_ become an evil alien overlord, _you_ can take over the universe however _you_ see fit! But since _I'm_ the evil alien overlord, _I'm_ going to take over the universe however _I_ see fit! Got that?" Shadow said nothing. Black Doom snorted and turned to admire the flying ruins around them. "It's magnificant!" he said proudly. "The perfect killing machine...ready to impose terror in unimaginable ways!"

"The perfect killing machine?" said Shadow. "It's a few hunks of rock held up by party balloons!"

"The helium storage devices are _your_ fault," snarled Black Doom. "The only reason we have resorted to using them is because _you_ refused to touch my jew-."

"Oh no! We are _not_ going through that routine again!" snapped Shadow. He was about to tell Black Doom just where he could stick said jewels when he noticed something in the distance. An enormous aircraft was heading towards them, about the size of a small town. Pouring out of every possible nook and cranny were several hundred squat mechanoids.

"Hmm," said Black Doom. "Do those fools really believe they can stop _me_?"

Shadow didn't dignify him with an response. Instead, he squinted at the large symbols splattered across the aircraft. All of them depicted a tooth-grinned face with an obscenely large mustashe. _That_ was familiar alright.

"Isn't that...the doctor?" he asked.

Black Doom frowned and turned to the hedgehog. "Shadow, do not fail me," he said and sank downwards through the floor, out of sight.

"Hey, wait a minute!" called Shadow. "You haven't told me my stupid mission yet! Hello?"

But he'd already gone.

"_Damn _it," growled Shadow. He gazed upward, trying to clear his thoughts. "This blue sky," he mused, "staring at it from afar...have I seen it before? Oh wait. Of course I have. I see the sky every day. Why the heck did I say that?"

Unfortunately, Shadow didn't have time to give himself an answer. He had walked onto another conveniently-placed speed pad. The black hedgehog was sent screaming across the sky, straight through a pair of stone loops on another platform. Shadow hurtled into the air again and just when he thought his brain was going to explode from sensory overload...

_**Squelch!**_

Shadow waited a moment to recover. He had landed on another island, a soft squishy something having cushioned his fall. In front of him stood a short tunnel, through which he could see more Black Arms soldiers. He watched a particularly large one chase its comrades around with its purple sword, chortling stupidly.

"Hedgehog!"

Shadow tumbled backwards. The soft squishy something had wriggled out from under him. He knew those flailing purple tentacles anywhere.

"How dare you!" growled Doom's Eye, nursing his now-blackened eyeball. "What is this insubordination?"

"It's those _goddamn_ developers!" said Shadow. "I _hate_ them! I hate them all! I'm going to kill them! I'm going to kill them in their sleep! Then I'll learn Chaos Regeneration and kill them all over again! Then I'll-"

"Silence!" snapped the alien. "The foolish scientist still seeks to resist us! Use our cannon and blow his ships out of the sky!"

"I've already said I'm not helping you," said Shadow, arms crossed in typical anti-hero fashion. "You dithering dictators can blow yourselves up for all I care. Just leave me _alone_."

"Never!" bellowed Doom's Eye and swooped right into his face. "I want those ships destroyed! I want those Emeralds! I want you! You _must_ fight for us! You _will_ fight for us! You-"

"Chaos POKE!"

Doom's Eye howled with pain and flew away, tenctacles clutching his battered peeper. Shadow neatly tucked his copy of Exposition magazine into thin air and skated through the tunnel. The Black Arms soldiers were suprised to see him. The large one nearly dropped its purple sword mid-taunt.

"Outta the way, freaks!" called Shadow and bowled the grunts over with ease. The large one, however, proved more problematic. He was nearly twice as tall and built like a brick outhouse. Every time Shadow tried to Spin Dash it, he bounced right off its huge chest.

"You no so tough!" mocked the alien and swung his sword high as Shadow desperately reached for his handgun.

"No ammo!" he growled. "Great! Perfect! I don't even know why I _have _a gun!"

"Bye-bye, fuzzy thing!" said the soldier and prepared for a killing blow.

Suddenly, the alien gave a great howl of pain. He dropped his sword and sprinted through the tunnel, an electric cattle prod sticking out its rear like a steel tail.

"What the-?"

"_Hoho, Shadow! Fancy running into you here!_"

Shadow groaned. Hovering where the alien had stood was a television monitor with two small clawed hands. Plastered on the screen was a fat grinning face with a huge ginger mustache.

"Hello, Eggman."

"_Ah, you do remember me!_" said Eggman happily. "_I was afraid I'd have to shock some sense into you too_."

"It's hard to forget a face as _goddamn_ stupid as yours," sneered Shadow. "Now what're you doing here?"

"_Reclaiming my place as lead villain_," replied Eggman. "_I've had it with all these aliens and monsters and demi-gods. I've been Sonic's archnemesis for over ten years and if these freakshows want to waltz in here and take that away from me, they can do it over my cold, dead-_"

"Revenge, got it," cut in Shadow. "So is there a reason you decided to save my life? Not very archnemesissy behaviour if you ask me."

"_Actually, there is a reason_," said Eggman. "_I require your assistance. There's got to be some kind of peculiar power source that's keeping these ruins afloat. Find it and destroy it!_"

"You mean the balloons?" asked Shadow. "Why the _hell_ can't _you_ do it?"

The doctor frowned. "_I forgot to charge the Egg Viewer last night_," he admitted. "_I'm surprised the old girl's still hovering, to be honest._"

Shadow remained unconvinced. "Then why not ask one of your other tinker toys to do it instead?"

"_I have a reason!_" said Eggman, a little too quickly.

"Oh really?" sneered Shadow. "And what's that?"

"_Well, um...it's a secret!_ "

"Wait a minute. Is that a towel rack behind you?"

"_What? No, no! It's, um...uh...a laser rifle! That's it!_"

"Oh dear _god_, you've locked yourself in your bathroom, _haven't _you?"

"_The security system's on the fritz, alright?_" snapped Eggman. "_Now pop those balloons or you will face the dire conse-_"

Shadow punched the monitor aside. "And you wonder why you're not lead villain anymore," he sneered. He picked up the alien's long purple sword and sped on into the next tunnel.

"_Oh no you don't!_" barked Eggman. The Egg Viewer carefully picked itself off the ground and followed the hedgehog inside.

Shadow was having the time of his life. He had caught a group of Black Arms soldiers completely by surprise in a cavern ahead and was hacking through them like wheat with his new blade.

"Now _this _is more like it!" proclaimed Shadow, slicing one of the aliens clean in two. "Defenceless idiots and a stupidly oversized sword - it doesn't get more antiheroic!"

At last, only one soldier remained. Shadow was gearing up for another attack when he felt something sucking on his ankle. He looked down and saw a large, purple leech oozing over his left foot.

"Hey!" cried Shadow and took a violent swing at the creature. Unfortunately, the sword proved too large and the angle too tricky. The black hedgehog missed his target and flew onto his back with an echoing thud. The leech continued sucking away, none the wiser. Shadow tried to pick himself up, but the stone floor had knocked him quite senseless. The remaining Black Arm soldier leered over him, wrenching the purple sword from his hands and preparing to strike.

"_Here I come to save the daaaaaay!_"

The alien roared as the Egg Viewer crashed into its chest, sending it flying across the cavern and straight through one of the walls. The Egg Viewer's little arms seized Shadow by the wrists and sped through the freshly-made hole, back into the daylight. Shadow was still feeling groggy as Eggman laid him down, but a quick punch on the noise brought him round again.

"Doctor, that's the second time you've saved my life," said Shadow, peeling the leech from his foot. "Do it again and I'll personally flush you down that toilet of yours!"

"_There's gratitude for you_," sniffed Eggman. "_Don't think this is going to be a habit, though, Shadow. The only reason I'm saving your hide so you can destroy those balloons for me. That's all. This isn't charity. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a wimp. I'm not the comic relief. I'm not! I'm not, honestly! No, please! Don't! Stop the laughter, Shadow! Stop the mocking laughter!_"

Shadow ignored the doctor's ramblings. He was more interested in the unusual machine sitting next to them. It was short and stocky, with two large legs and a gattling gun mounted on the front. His curiosity and weaponry fetish overpowering him, Shadow clambered into the cockpit.

"_G.U.N. must have left this behind_," observed Eggman when he had recomposed himself. "_It looks like it can jump pretty high_."

"I'll be the judge of that," said Shadow gruffly and examined the controls. They were terribly simplistic - a steering wheel, an 'On/Off' switch and a large red button labelled 'JUMP!'. Shadow flicked the switch and the walker sparked to life, standing erect. Grinning, the hedgehog decided to take it for a test drive. He drove the walker in small circles around the area, the engine chugging happily all the while.

"Seems in working order," Shadow thought aloud. "Why would G.U.N. just leave this lying around?"

He found out as soon as he pressed 'JUMP!'.

The walker rocketed skyward like a frog with a firework up its bottom. Shadow wanted to scream, but his snout had been pushed back into his eyes by the G-force. All he could do was sit helplessly as the machine flew higher and higher into the heavens.

Dr Eggman found it hard not to laugh. "_Glorious! Simply glorious!_" he chortled as the Egg Viewer continued its trek through the ruins. "_He may have been my only ally against that T-headed terror, but seeing that is worth every Egg Pawn I'll ever lose!_" The monitor floated along a long pathway lined with tall pillars."_Who knows?_" he went on. "_Maybe that'll teach him to be a bit more humble in future, the rude little bas-_"

CRRRRASH!

Shadow staggered from the wrecked walker, clutching his head. Immortality doesn't excuse one from excrutiating pain.

"Note to self," he mused groggily, "never do anything ever again."

A loud rumbling noise snapped Shadow back to reality. The walker's crash landing had sent a tremor right along the pathway and the pillars were starting to collapse. Wasting no time, Shadow ran as the mighty columns toppled to the ground. The noise was deafening him and he could barely see for the dust, but he kept on running. Even when he heard the devestation fade from earshot, he didn't dare stop.

"_Intruder alert! Intruder alert!_"

Shadow screeched to a halt. He had almost run straight into a wall of strange orange robots carrying silver lances. They had a dumpy build, with short limbs and a Cheshire Cat grin fixed on their faces. They could only be Egg Pawns.

"_Hostile force detected!_" they announced in their crackly monotone. "_Subject identified as Shadow the Hedgehog! Orders from the great Dr Eggman: terminate with extreme prejudice!_"

Before Shadow could even open his mouth to deride them, the Egg Pawns had surrounded him. Shadow frowned. At least two dozen of them. This required a little extra firepower. He slowly reached into his fur as the Egg Pawns closed in, chanting their sinister battle cry.

"_Coochie coo! Coochie coo! Coochie coo!_"

Shadow rolled his eyes as he withdrew one of the four Chaos Emeralds from his fur.

"Chaos BLAST!"

**BOOOOOM!**

A familiar burst of red energy eminated from the dark hedgehog. The Egg Pawns were vaporised before they could take another step.

"I did it! I did it!" cried Shadow triumphantly as he faded back to black. "I channeled the Emeralds' destructive power of my own free will! And I didn't even need the magazine that time! Truly, I am the master of Chaos energy! How do you like _that_, Mr Chaos Blast?"

**BOOOOOM!**

Realising he'd popped two of the balloons holding his platform up, Shadow decided he had better move on. Quickly.

The latest Chaos Blast incident did not go unnoticed. Wherever Shadow went, he found himself under attack from all sides. The Egg Pawns wanted their fallen brethrin avenged, the Black Arms wanted payment for the damages to their base and a G.U.N. fighter jet parachuted a note down saying not to touch their stuff. On every island, in every tunnel, before and after every loop, he couldn't get away from them.

At first, Shadow enjoyed the attention. It gave him an ideal oppertunity to perfect his fighting skills. He was able to hone his Homing Attack to perfection and even managed to swipe a few new weapons from the Egg Pawns. He decided to ignore the bazooka in future, however, when he took out three whole islands with one shot.

It wasn't long, either, before Shadow started to get bored. Run a bit, Egg Pawns, run a bit more, aliens, loop-the-loop, Egg Pawns and aliens, run a bit, aliens, loop-the-loop, aliens, Egg Pawns, run a bit more...

"_Damn_, this is tedious," he proclaimed as he ripped through his umpteenth Egg Pawn. "I'll never discover the true meaning of my existance at this rate! _Hell_, I'll be lucky I don't die of boredom before I find the next Emerald!" Shadow pondered as he broke a Black Arms soldier's neck. "There must be a way for me to skip past these banal fights, to control what-."

Control.

That was it.

"Of course!" he cried. Hurredly, he beat a gang of Black Arms soldiers off with an Egg Pawn leg and withdrew another Emerald.

"Chaos CONTROL!"

In the blink of an eye, Shadow was away, his body dancing with blue electricity. He shot through the ruins like a missile, thundering through loops and rushing over islands. Black Arms and Egg Pawns could only stand and gawp as the black-and-blue hedgehog whooshed past. At least until they were blown off the side of the ruins.

Shadow began to enjoy himself again. Even though he felt ready to throw his guts out, the thought of reaching the end of the ruins kept him going. He came to another tunnel, praying it would be the last, when...

"_HEDGEHOG!_"

Shadow stumbled to the ground, instinctively curled himself up and clattered into a nearby pillar like a stray bowling ball.

"Rrrrrr! What in the _hell _were you-?"

He stopped. Hovering beside him, slightly crooked, was the Egg Viewer; battered, bruised and covered with duct tape. Dr Eggman hopped around the cracked screen, angrily brandishing a loofah.

"_THERE you are, you Ultimate Idiot!_" he barked. "_How dare you attack my wonderous machines! You need to destroy all the power sources - not me!_"

"Sorry, Doc," sneered Shadow. "Your gut looked kind of balloonish from way up there." He examined the patched-up monitor more closely. "So how did this happen? Did you mommy fix it up for you?"

"_My Egg Pawns are a loyal breed_," said Eggman proudly. "_The second you left my Egg Viewer to rust, a nearby squad gladly donated their parts to rebuild it. You could learn a thing or two from my henchbots, young hedgehog._"

"I've learned that you need to be in a care home," retorted Shadow. He was just about to race off through the next tunnel when something hard knocked him aside. A gang of Black Arms soldiers had arrived with bags of fresh balloons. Shadow whipped out his freshly reloaded handgun and opened fire. These aliens, however, were were also carrying electrical shields with them. No matter how many times Shadow shot at them, the barriers absorbed his bullets with ease.

"_Firearms won't be good against those shields_," said Eggman obviously. "_Strike them directly!_"

Shadow readied himself for a Spin Dash, but one of the aliens took him by surprise and knocked him to the ground. He thought of using the Emeralds again, but the soldiers were quickly closing in on him. There was only one thing left to do.

"_Hey! What're you doing?_"

Shadow grabbed the Egg Viewer and threw it at the advancing aliens. The soldiers toppled like skittles as he skated on into the next tunnel.

"_Get back here!_" he heard Eggman cry, but Shadow ignored him. That Emerald had to be around here somewhere.

Shadow stopped dead as he came out the other side. The weather seemed to have changed in an instant. It was now raining heavily, and the clouds had turned a dingy black. Distant thunder rumbling up ahead.

"How long was I in there?" Shadow mused to himself. "Was that some sort of time tunnel? Is this the future? Or even the past?"

"_It's the present, you ebony ignoramous!_" barked Eggman, as the battered Egg Viewer wobbled into view. "_The weather just gets a bit turbulent on the inside of the clouds!_"

"Haven't you gotten it through your shell yet?" snarled Shadow. "I couldn't care less about your little inferiority complex. I'm going to find the Chaos Emeralds and unlock my destiny, and nothing will stand in my way!"

"_What about a five mile drop?_"

Shadow looked ahead. He had reached the end of the pathway, yet he could see more ruins far off in the distance. Shadow frowned. There was no chance of jumping across and he doubted whether the Emeralds would keep him airbourne for long.

"_Well, well, well_," beamed Eggman. "_Looks like the big bad Ultimate Lifeform needs help crossing the street. Don't you worry, young man. The indefatigable Dr Eggman will-_"

SMASH!

Shadow jumped back and stared in amazement. A large, leathery hawk, most likely another of Black Doom's pets, seemed to have spotted the Egg Viewer glittering in the rain below and mistaken it for an egg. The creature cawed contently as it sat on the monitor, breaking the screen a second time.

"What luck," said Shadow to himself. "A getaway vehicle."

The Black Hawk stared at Shadow in mild confusement. Before it could do anything, the hedgehog leapt onto its back and the two began to wrestle violently. A few seconds later, Shadow emerged triumphant, an Egg Viewer cable wrapped around the bird's beak like reins.

"Onward!"

Shadow clicked his heels and the Black Hawk took off into the dark sky. The heavy rain made it very difficult to see. Several times, they nearly collided with other Hawks in mid-air and Shadow had to blast them out of the way. Nonetheless, he soldiered on until the final section of ruins came into view.

"We're almost there!" Shadow cried. "Down, beast!"

The Black Hawk prepared to descend when Shadow thought he heard voices between the regular claps of thunder. He looked around, squinting through the rain. Flying in his direction was a brown figure astride a large turquoise...Well, the only appropriate word was 'dragon'.

"Well, that's it," Shadow heard the brown figure call, "I've officially no idea where we are."

"I'm real sorry, Sally," came the dragon's gloomy reply. "This crazy weather's screwing with my inner radar. I don't know if I'm coming or going."

"It's OK, Dulcy," Sally assured her, "it's not your fault. I think we'd better land soon, though. I doubt we'll last much longer up here in these conditions."

"Yeah, you're ri-" The dragon's long neck snapped upright. "Hey, Sally! I see another flying thingy, and he's got a real ugly rider thingy too!"

Shadow slowly reached for his handgun.

"Another one?" said Sally. "Where _are_ they all coming from, and just what's with these ruins all the way up here? I swear no-one tells us anything anymore."

"Can I blast 'em, Sally? Pleeease?"

"Dulcy, we were lucky to survive the last time. Let's just get out of here and back to Knoth-."

"Too late!"

Shadow barely had time to gasp when a jet of ice breath froze his Black Hawk solid. He began firing wildly in the dragon's direction, but she was already diving down to earth, her screaming passenger holding on for dear life.

"_You little WHORES!_" Shadow bellowed after them as his frozen steed began to drop. By good fortune, they were at least over the ruins again. The frozen Hawk plummeted onto a nearby platform and crumbled in a shower of ice as it hit the stone floor. Shadow himself was catapulted forward on landing and bounced into a tunnel like a beach ball.

"_HELP, GODDAMN IT!_" cried the hedgehog, but no-one could. Especially the Black Arms soldiers he had just bowled over.

Shadow burst into the open, where it was magically bright and sunny again. The poor hedgehog tumbled down a steep pathway, shot through two large loops and wiped out an entire fleet of Egg Pawns before he felt himself slowing down.

"_Come on, come on!_"

At last, Shadow rolled to a standstill at the edge of a platform. He collapsed on the floor, tired but triumphant. In his right hand was the fifth Chaos Emerald, wrenched from one of the Egg Pawns he had just flattened.

In his left hand was a Black Arms rocket.

Shadow felt his stomach implode as he was once again sent spiralling into the stratosphere.

"WHO THE _HELL _LEAVES _GODDAMN_ ROCKETS JUST LYING A-_GODDAMN_-ROUND?" he roared to no-one in particular. Hurridly, the hedgehog clamped the fifth Emerald in his mouth and consulted his copy of Exposition magazine.

"Dere'sh no plade like hoge! Dere'sh no plade like hoge! Dere'sh no plade like hoge! Chaod Concrol, _ackivake!_"

_Pop._

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

* * *

Well, hope that lived down to your expectations. Apologies one last time for the insane delay and see you in another five years!


End file.
